It has almost been two full years since my transplant. I feel completely different than I did two years ago and one year ago. Two years ago, I was scared but had faith the transplant would put me into remission. It seemed to work and I was getting stir crazy after being on disability for four and a half years. I started looking for jobs 7-8 months after my transplant. I felt like I could conquer the world and nothing would ever get to me because my "incurable" cancer had been cured. Every morning going to work I was grateful to be alive. About one year post transplant, the graft v host began. As I have written, it affected my muscles, energy, eyes, sometimes skin. I went back on immune suppressants and prednisone. That was an emotional roller coaster. The prednisone and pain killers make me emotional. I have been anxious and overwhelmed since June of 2015. Sitting at a desk makes my muscles worse. My doctor tells me to exercise but whenever I try, I get muscle spasms. My immune system is still weak so the winter sicknesses have been getting me. I feel guilty that I don't feel well. It affects my work attendance and activities I can do with my children. Whenever I get sick, it brings back all the inadequate feelings I had when I had cancer.
I don't know if it's the graft v host or the medicine, but I feel worse than I did when I had cancer. Not when it was aggressive or when I was having salvage chemotherapy but a general shitty feeling at all times. I am obviously glad that I did do go through with the transplant, but I 100% regret going back to work 9 months after my transplant. I was not healed physically or emotionally. Now I feel anxious and weak at all times. I hope it gets better soon. I feel so unhealthy like I have no time to eat right or work out. I hope I feel better soon. I want to work part time instead.
I did not complain much for all the years I had cancer but now it is all coming to the surface. I thought my feelings avoidance strategy worked great during the time but now it's all coming out. My doctor says I won't feel like this forever and I sure hope so. I was blessed with a second chance and I need to start enjoying it.
I also feel like when I had cancer, I had a better focus on what was really important in life and what mattered. And now that I am back in the "corporate world" I feel like I am getting further away.
I would still recommend getting the transplant if your cancer aggressively comes back. I guess I am just traumatized from the whole ordeal. 20% of my life has been spent dealing with this.
If anyone has any questions about anything please feel free to reach out to me. I am usually in a better mood and more positive but I had to get out this dark side. It's all a part of the journey.
I don't know if it's the graft v host or the medicine, but I feel worse than I did when I had cancer. Not when it was aggressive or when I was having salvage chemotherapy but a general shitty feeling at all times. I am obviously glad that I did do go through with the transplant, but I 100% regret going back to work 9 months after my transplant. I was not healed physically or emotionally. Now I feel anxious and weak at all times. I hope it gets better soon. I feel so unhealthy like I have no time to eat right or work out. I hope I feel better soon. I want to work part time instead.
I did not complain much for all the years I had cancer but now it is all coming to the surface. I thought my feelings avoidance strategy worked great during the time but now it's all coming out. My doctor says I won't feel like this forever and I sure hope so. I was blessed with a second chance and I need to start enjoying it.
I also feel like when I had cancer, I had a better focus on what was really important in life and what mattered. And now that I am back in the "corporate world" I feel like I am getting further away.
I would still recommend getting the transplant if your cancer aggressively comes back. I guess I am just traumatized from the whole ordeal. 20% of my life has been spent dealing with this.
If anyone has any questions about anything please feel free to reach out to me. I am usually in a better mood and more positive but I had to get out this dark side. It's all a part of the journey.